I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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