It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
me + whiskey = a bad person
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
