Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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