why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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