I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
