If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
