Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
