I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
