I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
