he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
