i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
