I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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