next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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