Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
