Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
