Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
areolas are like halos for boobs.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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