I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
