I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
