So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
tell me about the eggs
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
