a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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