I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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