I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he puts the penis in happiness.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
