College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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