He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
