I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
