I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
