____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
