highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
