so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
