Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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