I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think my vagina is haunted
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
