peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
