I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
