I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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