Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
