i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Semen is not good for contacts.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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