I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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