Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
