Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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