I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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