in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
