I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i think i just lost a toe
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
