first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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