I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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