Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
