Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
