just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
