Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
