I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
