It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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