I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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