Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize