That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize