2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
