I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just forgot I was standing up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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