so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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