Your mouth is God's brothel.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize