1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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