After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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