Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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