God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just cut my nipple shaving
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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